Jimsy Jampots #180 - What fictional witches would be like to do karaoke with
In which I put magic and microphones in close proximity
Things I think
It’s Halloween tomorrow, and I remember enough from my #content creation days to know that you should theme what you write to the calendar. I was thinking of doing something about historical stereotype of witches and how they’re rooted in misogyny, antisemitism, homophobia and general fear of otherness, a really impactful deep-dive into how those in power have always tried to control us by sowing seeds of separation and fear, and how that’s still relevant in today’s turbulent political climate.
Then I thought “keep it light, Amy, we’ve all got a lot on our plates at the moment” and decided to imagine what it’d be like to go for karaoke with various fictional witches. Enjoy!
Agatha Harkness
The witch of the moment. I’m so obsessed with Agatha All Along that I may well not watch Taskmaster tomorrow - remember, I love Taskmaster so much my colleagues threw me a surprise Taskmaster themed birthday party over our lunchbreak this year - so that I can watch both final episodes instead.
But my new obsession is not what this newsletter is about - it’s about karaoke. Agatha Harkness would be fucking amazing at karaoke: just look at listen to how she took to both the original Ballad of the Witches’ Road and the 70s rock version just a few episodes later. She’s not just singing it, she is into it: karaoke isn’t about how good the singing is, it’s about the performance, and she would throw herself into each and every song. “Play it like a witch” indeed.
Thing is, though, she doesn’t like to share. She’d be frustrating to share a booth with as she’d take the mic and the lead part for every single song. There’s also no guarantee that you’d end a night of karaoke with Agatha Harkness with your powers, or your life, intact. Maybe stick to the rest of the coven. Alice would be good craic.
Wanda
Really depends which Wanda you get, here. Age of Ultron Wanda would manipulate you into walking off a cliff if you got close enough to hand her a microphone. Civil War Wanda would be unsure, then smile-cry because she’s so grateful someone is being kind to her, then probably have a really good time before accidentally blowing up the venue. If WandaVision Wanda had had more episodes there almost certainly would have been an episode culminating in a karaoke bar, where her and Vision duet Islands In The Stream. Multiverse of Madness Wanda? She would turn you literally inside out for even suggesting it. She’s a complicated lady, that one. Bet she’s a good singer, though.
Glinda the Good
Have you ever seen Pitch Perfect? You know how the Barden Bellas are before Anna Kendrick gets her hands on them - all beautifully pitched and very sweetly sung boring-ass songs? That’s what Glinda would do. Until someone spiked her lemonade, and then she’d throw down to It’s Tricky by Run-DMC.
Wicked Witch of the West
Doesn’t sing, just films everyone else and puts it online immediately. Who do you think is spiking Glinda’s lemonade?
Elphaba and Galinda
It’s been a long time since I read Wicked, and I’ve only seen the musical once, but I get the feeling that these two would sing an incredibly charged version of Lady Marmalade into each others’ mouths, in a performance so overtly sexual it makes everyone else uncomfortable, then look around the room innocently going “What? We’re just gal pals!”
A few songs later they’d go missing for the rest of the night, and then avoid speaking directly to each other at the next few social gatherings.
Sabrina
She’d sing some early Britney or B*witched and you’d all have a lovely wholesome time. Then curfew would hit so she’d have to go home, and the real party would start with her aunts. Bonus points if Hilda can drag Drell along - he’d do Bat Out Of Hell with such aplomb you’d be forced by the venue to pay for the repairs.
Samantha
The song order would mysteriously keep switching so that Darrin’s favourites were up next. No matter how many of the snacks everyone ate, they tubs would always be full to the top. When Samantha went up to sing herself (Girls Just Want To Have Fun), she’d be unexpectedly amazing, and then very humble and dismissive of her talent afterwards. Everyone would spend any time they weren’t singing trying to figure out how to do her nose-twitching thing. No-one would be able to.
The Halliwell Sisters
They’d have a flaming argument about something you couldn’t quite pick up on (Cole? The Source? Who broke Piper’s hair straighteners?) just before they’re due to perform, then do a dazzling rendition of The Coors Only When I Sleep complete with sexy-but-tasteful-enough-for-network-television choreography, and then have a big group hug at the end because sisters. A music-hating demon would interrupt proceedings halfway through, but the sisters would vanquish them and save everyone, it’s cool.
The White Witch
Absolutely rubbish. A singing voice so harsh it feels like a blast of icy air and you’d have to grit your teeth to get through her rendition of Let It Go. Worse, she would bring Turkish Delight as a snack for everyone. Not even the stuff with the chocolate, the real stuff that tastes like potpourri and your nan’s downstairs bathroom.
McGonagall
Would be quite prim and proper at first, but get some Firewhisky down her and she’d loosen up. Would sing backing vocals on a few things and have a perfectly enjoyable time, until someone put I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) on and she, like every other Scottish person ever, would lose her absolute shit and march around the room pumping her arms and shouting. Would finish the night with a version of Memory that would leave everyone weeping and clutching each other.
Sally and Gillian Owens
Sally would sing That Don’t Impress Me Much, Gillian would sing You’re So Vain. The two of them would duet Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves and then lead the entire group in a performance of Hit Me With Your Best Shot. They make a great cocktail, but you’ve got to watch they don’t have too many - they can be nasty drunks.
The Sanderson Sisters
As long as you like showtunes and losing control of your facilities while being sent on a town-wide hunt for the descendant of a witch-hunting vicar, you’ll have a marvellous time.
Macbeth witches
You can only drag these three out once every blue moon, and for some reason the weather is always terrible. They’re good fun, though, especially good at cheerful pop-punk/pop-rock, and you always get a new job or promotion a few weeks after you see them.
The witches from Roald Dahl’s The Witches
The Grand High Witch is - and I’m sorry to be so very online, but this is the only world for it - cunty as hell and commands the room while singing Madonna. The rest of them are only really there to fawn over the Grand High Witch: do anything different and you’ll be turned into a rodent.
Ursula
Speaking of cunty...
Amazing. Incredible. Iconic. You’d be hammered and feeling fierce as hell as you sang-screamed Born This Way. Honestly, get Ursula together in a karaoke booth with the other Bad Bitches of Disney (Cruella, Hades, Jafar, The Evil Queen) and you’d have a fucking amazing night, even if it would probably be the last night of your life.
Willow Rosenberg
The start of the night would be Love Story. There would be a pretty intense Alanis Morrisette phase in the middle. She’d end with Bring Me To Life, it’d all get a bit much, and then Xander would take her outside for a cry and a hug. She’d apologise to everyone the next day and buy them hot chocolates to say sorry, despite them assuring her she didn’t need to. She’d still get invited out next time because, well, it’s Willow, innit?
Serafina Pekkala
Would only be able to come for a bit because she was so busy with work. She would sing an obscure folk song that people would swear hadn’t been in the song library before she touched it. Both she and the performance would be so hauntingly beautiful that everyone would be mesmerised. She’d kiss everyone on the forehead before she left, and everyone would spend the next day texting about how amazing she is.
The wordy witches from that episode of Doctor Who
They’d be really smug that they know all the words to Hamilton, and keep putting them on the playlist. You can’t deny it’s a very impressive group rendition of My Shot, but they’re so pleased with themselves it sort of sucks all the enjoyment out of everything.
Evil stepmother from Snow White
She’d be far too worried about how she'd look to actually perform anything. She would sit in the corner looking arch, occasionally deigning to clap once or twice after a particularly good song. Gets absolutely furious whenever someone tries to sing a song by someone young and conventionally beautiful (Sabrina Carpenter, Halle Bailey, Charli XCX). Then someone would play some Chappelle Roan and she‘d let loose - she looks very different with her hair down and her crown off. Tag her in any of the photos from the end of the night on Instagram and you’ll find an apple pie you suspect you shouldn’t eat on your doorstep the next day.
The gingerbread witch from Hansel and Gretel
This is a woman with a house made out of sweets who managed to make two kids who had literally just been betrayed by adults feel safe enough to come inside with her: I’ve always imagined her as middle-aged, plump and homely. In that vein, I bet she has the music taste of a 55-year-old woman, so I’m going with her song being Wind Beneath My Wings, her drink being warm white wine, and her to be the first one in the queue for a McDonalds afterwards. Her order is anything meaty, and a Smarties McFlurry afterwards.
Miss Eglatine Price from Bedknobs and Broomsticks
It’s Angela bloody Lansbury. A gay icon, by all accounts an absolute sweetheart, and one of musical theatre’s shiniest stars. She’d start off reticent but soon warm up to things, leading the group in performances of showtunes and Disney classics. She wouldn’t steal the spotlight, but you know she could if she wanted to. Somehow, everyone would have a cup of tea with honey and a proper saucer at the end.
Mortianna from Robin Hood Prince of Thieves
Would need a wheelchair accessible taxi and someone to support her down the stairs. Once she got a microphone in her hand would somehow be able to twerk while rapping Super Bass. No-one would question this.
I’ve definitely left some witches off the list here, either because I don’t know them well enough or because I don’t know them full stop. Who else is there? Would you go for karaoke with them? Let me know.
Thanks for all being so lovely about last week’s newsletter, by the way. I appreciate everyone who got in touch in comments, email or on Instagram and generally all of your kindness. Have a good week, and make sure you’re taking care of yourself.
Love, Amy xxx
I am in awe of how your mind works! Excellent effort, made me chuckle imagining the witches that I'd heard of, singing karaoke!
Regina from Once Upon a Time, if you haven't seen it I think you would love it!