Jimsy Jampots #172 - What the cast of Gavin and Stacey would be like as lovers
In which I think too much about the genitals of people on my favourite TV show
Things I think
Look, I’m not proud that my brain went here. The stuff I’m thinking about constantly at the moment is stuff I can’t/shouldn’t/don’t want to write about, and I got to the point where I was pretty certain I wasn’t going to send a newsletter this week at all because of it. But during my swim this morning, when I was going up and down the pool on far too few hours sleep and trying to avoid crashing into the end of the lane while doing backstroke, this popped unbidden into my head and wouldn’t leave.
So…you’re welcome? Sorry? Delete as applicable, and let’s get into it.
There are a few TV shows that Garry and I will rewatch on a semi-regular basis. Peep Show. The Inbetweeners. Parks and Rec, although that’s less regular because it’s so long you need a foil blanket and a Lucozade afterwards. You can add Green Wing to my list, although Garry doesn’t like it so I only do that when he’s not around. And Scrubs, actually. Clearly something about zany medical comedies speaks to me.
But the most frequent re-watch is Gavin and Stacey - a beautiful, three-series-and-one-Christmas-special masterpiece (we begrudgingly accept the second Christmas special, but it’s no “Nadolig Llawen!” “Funny, that, cos I use Clarins!”, is it?) created by one of the best and one of the worst people in the world. The finale has just started filming, due to be shown Christmas Day, and so we’ve just finished another rewatch in preparation.
I love Gavin and Stacey with all my heart. Every time I watch it, I find another joke or reference I missed the first time. I lived near Barry until I was 7 and spent a lot of my visits to Wales there until my Nan died a few years ago, and it’s the best representation of South Wales and its people (including my family, which might explain a lot about why I am the way that I am) that I’ve ever seen on TV. It’s also funny as hell, heartwarming, and full of characters who manage to be incredibly real in their ridiculousness and who you can’t help rooting for even when they’re being pretty despicable.
So, I wonder what it’d be like to fuck them?
Gavin
One of the best things about Gavin and Stacey the TV show is that it very quickly realised that Gavin and Stacey the people are the most boring characters on it, and mostly ignored them in favour of focusing on the relationship between Nessa and Smithy and the antics of their friends and relatives.
Gavin would be fine in bed. Solidly fine. He probably thinks he’s really attentive and loving, but would actually do the bare minimum and never think to move beyond that - especially after the initial burst of excitement in the relationship wore off. Like rubbing a wet paper towel on your genitals: sure, the job will get done eventually, but it could be so much better.
Stacey
Stacey would approach anything and everything to do with sex with the same giggly enthusiasm. Missionary under the duvet with the lights off? That’s lush, that is. A twenty-person masked orgy orchestrated by a dungeon mistress wielding a tool belt of sex toys? Bring it on. She’d have no ideas or real kinks herself, being a Frijj milkshake in human form, but is perfectly happy with anything that comes her way both literally and figuratively.
Nessa
We know she’s adventurous and a fan of a prop - a hotel toilet brush, bag of “tools”, and a cloak were all confirmed by the show as being in her romantic arsenal - and we also know that she’s incredibly skilled at sex, with the men of Barry following her round like puppies and her little black book containing names such as Dodi Fyed, Richard Madeley, Nigel Havers, John Nettles, John Prescott, Om Puri and the entirety of Goldie Looking Chain.
But I imagine there’d be a soft side to Nessa, too. The Nessa who came outside at Christmas to tell Smithy that he doesn’t have to change who he is and that she loves him isn’t the Nessa who dragged him by the crotch into a hotel toilet in episode one, and I think she’d show the same dichotomy in bed. Sex isn’t always cat ears and calling each other daddy: sometimes it’s sweet, truthful and loving, and I don’t think Nessa would exclude anything from her bedroom buffet.
Smithy
You don’t keep coming back for more toilet brush unless you enjoyed the toilet brush, and Smithy definitely enjoyed the toilet brush. He might need a hand to lead him down the garden path of depravity, but he’s very happy when he gets there.
I think Smithy would also probably be quite a considerate lover? The guy is an absolute twat, that we can all agree on, but when he cares about someone - Lucy, Gavin, Neil the baby - he puts the effort in. He drove to Barry to break up a wedding because he didn’t think it was the right thing for Nessa to do and forcibly pushed up the barrier on the Severn Bridge to get to the birth of his son: this isn’t a man who half-arses it when it’s important. So, I feel like he might be an absolutely terrible casual lay, but pretty great if you’re in a relationship with him.
Dave Coaches
The man is riddled, yet people keep coming back. That’s got to tell you something about his prowess.
Gwen
She’s everyone’s mam, and you might think that makes her quite prim and proper in bed. Not so: she and Trevor indulged in role play, used safe words, and before the birth of Jason she may or may not have been involved in orgies with him. She also is quick to drop the nice-as-pie demeanour as soon as she gets worked up, as you can see whenever Pam insults Wales or Jean has the audacity to exist. Plus, she’s Welsh, so she’s a grotbag. I get the feeling that she’d know exactly what she wanted in bed, would not be shy about asking for it, and if you asked her to whip you up an omelette as a post-coital snack she’d tell you to “Do it you’bloody self” while taking a long drag on a cigarette.
Bryn
He prints off maps for journeys he’s not even planning on taking and had a minor breakdown over the type of cereal to get for Gavin’s friends coming to stay for the weekend: this is a man who likes to be prepared. Bryn would read every book about human sexuality he could find online and make detailed notes from every website he could get his paws on if there was ever even the suggestion of sex with someone. Then, of course, he’d see his partner naked for the first time and immediately ejaculate, curl up into a ball and start crying. Poor Bryn. He deserved better.
Pam
One of the most perverted partners you’ll ever have. Not in terms of the physical act of sex itself - that would be very vanilla - but in terms of the role play she’d make you do before it. Prince Charles ears are just the tip of the iceberg. Probably says “Oh my Christ!” when she comes.
Mick
I think he’d approach sex with the same fairly laid-back amusement he approaches the rest of his life, which I think would make him a strong, albeit not mind-blowing, sexual partner. Very happy to match his wife’s freak when required, and enjoys winding his partners up and putting them in their place which makes me think - and I can’t believe I’m putting these words down on screen - he’d enjoy a bit of bratting. If you don’t know what that is, Google it, I’m not going to explain.
Rudi
Chaotic bisexual queen. Worryingly obsessed with trying to shag her brother’s exes and asking how she compares to him, though.
Cath (Smithy’s mum)
Has been caught at least once naked video-chatting someone, so is clearly still up for it. She’d be very demanding, eager to please in theory but not in practice, and would probably fall asleep after, during and before. But I reckon there’s some kind of magnetism there that keeps people coming back anyway - Smithy has to get it from somewhere.
Jason
Have you ever encountered a more repressed out gay man than Jason West? He’s never going to be a good lover until he gets over the fishing trip or, ideally, finds a way to replicate it with a partner.
Dawn
She ended season one by bemoaning the fact that she and Pete had a dead bedroom, started season two trying and failing to have a threesome, and then managed to reignite the spark with Pete and act like a hormonal teenager in season three. She’s clearly desperate to keep the romance alive in her life, and is also not bothered by things some might consider “out there”.
That being said, I think she’s a pillow princess. From the everything I know about Dawn, I just can’t imagine she’s a generous or giving lover. Or person. Which is fine! Some people like that! People like…
Pete
So, I’m probably biased here because I think Pete is one of the most repulsive characters on TV. Physically he’s fine, but his entire personality makes my vagina slam shut like a portcullis.
I get the impression he’s quite depraved, but not in a fun way like Pam. More in a way that would make people pull a concerned face and ask if he needs to speak to someone. He doesn’t act on his fantasies, though, because whenever he tries Dawn calls him a weirdo and tells all their friends about it. So instead he settles for the fact Dawn bosses him round and insults him both in and out of the bedroom, and he likes it. It works for them. The only thing I can’t decide is if he’s got a micropenis, or something so large it’s unnatural and vaguely horrifying. You know how some people have B.D.E, aka Big Dick Energy? Pete has U.D.E - Unusual Dick Energy.
Deano
Look, the man’s an idiot, but he learnt an entire new language so he could make friends (and chat up women) for a single weekend in Wales. TELL ME that boy wouldn’t go over and above to make sure you have a good time. There is absolutely nothing between the ears and dear god, don’t ask him to bring you a drink afterwards lest you get a toffee or a cea, but he’s a sweetheart and a bit of a babe and I think you’d have a lot of fun with him. He’s the Travis Kelce of British TV, basically, and I’m a big fan.
Louise (Stacey’s Ginger Friend)
We don’t know much about Louise other than she had a silly fight with her boyfriend before Gavin and Stacey’s wedding, she shagged Fingers at the reception, she shagged Fingers again a few years later when they bumped into each other at a club, Fingers was very happy to see her again, and she speaks Welsh. That’s not much to go on really, but from it I would assume she’s a) fairly dramatic to have a relationship with and b) fairly good at sex. To be honest, I mainly included her in this list because she’s hot as hell and I quite fancy her. She says “That was fabliss” after the first time with Fingers in a very, very appealing way and I would take it as a personal challenge to get her to do the same with me.
Fingers
He made Louise say “That was fabliss” and his nickname is Fingers.
I think I’ve made my point.
Owain Hughes
Owain had sex once, didn’t much fancy it, hasn’t done it again.
The Vicar
He’s a Vicar. He’s very prim and proper. I think sex with him would start as very “Lie back and think of England Wales” as he did his husbandly duty. However, this is a man with a temper, who lost his absolute shit with Gavin for refusing to say his favourite sandwich was anything other than tuna. Once that testosterone hit and he lost control, he’d be a wild man.
Doris
If you’ve seen it online, Doris has either done it or invented it. God rest her soul.
Again - sorry? You’re welcome? Both? Either way, I’ll see you next week with hopefully something a bit more normal.
Love, Amy xxx
This really made me laugh
Spot on
Oh my Christ! This is spot on.